In Absentia

I've been MIA for a while. Lots of reasons why. Mostly, it's an overwhelming sense of  ennui.

World English Dictionary 

ennui (ˈɒnwiː, French ɑ̃nɥi)
— a feeling of listlessness and general dissatisfaction resulting from lack of activity or excitement

Yep. That about sums it up - general dissatisfaction resulting from lack of activity. Politics is just so much of the same old, same old. The Right is still as screwed up as ever. The Left is just as discontent today as they were in 2008. The Corporations are solidly in control of the country and Rick Perry is still Governor of Texas.

Even the good news, like the overturning of Prop 8, can't keep my interest. As predicted, the Right went nuts and the Left was smug. The BP well seems to be plugged and has fallen off the news grid. The oil is still there, but now that it's no longer pumping into the Gulf by the millions of gallons a day, it's no longer news.

And then there are things on a more personal front. Last month, I finished a book by Orson Scott Card, "Empire", that my Eldest recommended. I was complaining about something one of the characters said and how, in general, the book was a testament to Card's conservative craziness when my husband called me a left-wing extremist. That still rankles. It bubbles up in my brain at random times and makes me stew. And saddens me. The things we say when frustrated and fed up are often reflective of our deepest beliefs. That or meant to be purposefully hurtful. If he thinks I'm an extremist, it's like saying that I am no better than those that I find so repulsive and indeed, we are kindred spirits. That's enough to throw anyone off their game.

I just can't maintain the outrage in the face of the endless supply of right-wing craziness, corporate greed and Democratic spinelessness. And then to be called an extremist was just the icing on the cake.

I've fought with clinical depression several times in my life and I feel the apathy interspersed with irritability returning. It's odd. In some ways, my life is better than ever.  I'm exercising and losing weight. My job is going well and we're not behind on the mortgage. No one is ill. No one is pregnant. No one is threatening to move back in tomorrow.

But. (great word, much maligned, and makes a sentence all by itself no matter what the grammar police say)

My husband is deep in the throes of end of report craziness. He's worked overtime every night and all weekend for almost a month with the exception of two nights off.  He's cranky. I'm cranky. Only the dogs are on an even keel. Which is to say, their usual neurotic selves. When he disappears like this for weeks at a time, I start to get majorly pissed off. I can't say anything to him without getting my head bitten off. It's like his frustration trumps mine and I can't complain without looking like a first class bitch. Which I can be, don't get me wrong, but this is one of those situations. You know, the kind where you're damned if you don't and doubly damned is you do? It is hard to be supportive when he's either grouchy or uncommunicative. When he takes a day off and says that unless we make "plans" that are more than sitting in front of the TV, he's going back to work, it's kind of hard to be sympathetic. It's as if I have to provide a schedule of entertainment he deems worthy of participation in order to justify his absence from a project that's already sucked him dry and spat him out the other end. Add in there the fact that we only have one vehicle. I'm either stuck at home or returning to work to pick him up long after I'd rather not be on the road. It's exhausting. At least this time, it's just me. Trying to feed and keep track of a teenager while he was absent made me want to punch something. Generally him.

To complicate matters is the fact that I don't have any one else, besides you anonymous people, to talk to. I have no friends, certainly not in the female sense of the word. You know, those people you call up just because and end up talking to for hours? Or the person you call to invite to a movie or coffee or a wild night of drunken debauchery? (Ok, maybe that last one isn't a female kind of friend) Those kind of friends. I won't count my Eldest, who has been known to call me and talk until the batteries die on the phone. She's my daughter and just doesn't count. Hubby is really the closest thing I have to a friend which is great but problematic when he is the person AWOL. It must be some kind of flaw in my personality that keeps me from making friends or stops people from thinking of me as a likely companion to ease their boredom. I never found the knack for making friends. Certainly not ones who I managed to keep for any length of time.

Ahhh. Enough whining. Plus Blogger or my browser is being persnickety and there is a serious delay between my typing and the words actually appearing on the screen. Must be a sign or something. And incredibly frustrating and I have enough of that right now.